Boundaries

I really do shy away from what are considered psychological topics. But understanding and implementing boundaries has had such a positive impact on all my relationships that I do feel led to write on this subject —which I touched on in Oneness vs Codependency.

I know that the words codependency and boundaries have been tossed around in psychological circles for decades. But they had no real meaning for me until about 2004 when my relationship with my husband was altered forever as we put into practice what God revealed to me in this area.

A year or two ago I had occasion to write a letter about this experience to someone having trouble understanding it. I would like to share most of this letter with you since I believe it very clearly explains the concept of boundaries.

Dear John,

I don’t wish to leave you with the impression you seem to have gotten about mine and Waldemar’s relationship —the impression that he is doing all the loving and that I am not returning his love.

You seem to have missed the whole purpose of boundaries, which is to free oneself from codependent relationships which are, by definition, very unhealthy and full of conflict.

Most simply put, a codependent relationship is one in which, for whatever reason, I believe that I need you and find a perverted satisfaction in thinking that you need me —that gives me a certain amount of so-called security that you won’t leave this relationship because you would have trouble surviving without it.

It is no surprise that most of us fall into this type of relationship because that is what our whole society (church, government, medical —you name it) is based upon. Every advertisement we see is attempting to convince us that we cannot survive without whatever product or service is being advertised —or at least we would have an inferior life if we did survive. And almost every novel and Hollywood movie supports this belief by showing us sick codependency and calling it love.

Like almost everyone else, Waldemar and I fell into the same trap. He was passively aggressive and I was actively aggressive; but both of us were manipulative and controlling without even being aware that we were. I had women telling me all the time that they wanted a husband just like mine who so obviously adored me, defended me and would do or buy anything that I could possibly desire.

What they didn’t choose to notice was all the anger and pouting that went on when I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to. For example, if I had a particular friend or family member that he didn’t like, for whatever reason, he would treat them so badly when they came to see me that I wouldn’t want to invite them back because I didn’t want them hurt and I didn’t want to be embarrassed myself. Then Waldemar could have me all to himself, as he desired.

Another issue was handling money. I was the saver and Waldemar was the spender. We had a huge, beautiful house that became a hole that he threw money into. Like I said, he never denied me anything I wanted; but I didn’t want much for myself. I wanted to be able to give to others. But when I did, I had to deal with his anger and his pouting. Please understand that I am not saying that he directed his anger toward me personally. He never did that —because he knew that he would lose me if he did. I set that boundary before we ever married —when I didn’t even know what the word boundary meant. I just knew that I could support myself and would never be abused by a man, either verbally or physically. No, Waldemar always directed his anger to people near and dear to me.

And I was no better than he. I had so much anger in me that I would have dreams where it would be exposed. And I felt so very guilty because he so obviously adored me. How could I be so ungrateful? I carried this for many decades.

Then I read two books by Jim Richards called We Still Kiss about his relationship with his wife and another one called Escape from Codependent Christianity. And for the very first time, I knew what our problem was: codependency and rejection. It was crystal clear to me, but I didn’t know how to correct the problem.

But someone recommended the books Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Those were the books which gave me the keys to freedom from the prison that we had made for ourselves. They were what I call God appearing in the form I needed to solve my relationship problems.

I knew I was taking the risk of losing Waldemar altogether since —having no models to follow— most of us can’t even envision a relationship that isn’t codependent. But I knew by this time that I would rather have no relationship than such an unhealthy one.

Before I proceed, I should define boundaries for you. Setting a boundary means that I don’t try to manipulate or control you in any way. You can do anything you wish. But I will control how what you do affects me —that is my boundary.

So I began by setting two boundaries —in the two areas where I had suffered the most grief. I told Waldemar that he was no longer going to treat my family and friends badly, even if it meant we had to get separate apartments so that he wouldn’t have to be around them when they came to visit. (I should say here that Waldemar is an only child of German immigrants and therefore has no family and, because of his rejection problem, has never had many real friends of his own, though he has become friends with several of mine.)

I also told him that we were going to divide our spending money. We would take all our recurring expenses off the top and divide what is left. That way he could buy all the computers and other gadgets that he wanted without me getting angry and I could give away all the money I wanted without it affecting him. And neither of us would spend what we don’t have —we’ve never done that anyway.

Waldemar’s initial response was terror. He assumed I wanted a divorce and told me that he would manage without me. Of course, I never wanted any divorce because I do love him very much; but I was prepared for him to say that he wanted out.

We sat down that night and divided the money and have never had a disagreement about money since. He even rented the apartment across the breezeway from our apartment —which our son came to live in two weeks later. Waldemar never spent a day or night there. But it symbolized his willingness to respect my boundaries. His learning to be kind to my family and friends has not been as easy as dividing the money, but he has come a long way. If he has a bad attitude, he just stays home when I visit a family member. Or he goes into the bedroom if he doesn’t feel like being civilized to a friend.

And this isn’t just a one-way proposition. He also sets his boundaries that I respect. When he doesn’t want to do something, he just lets me know. Now we both ask, but don’t demand, whatever we would like from the other. We have never been as contented as we are now; and he will tell you that he wishes we had started our marriage this way.

In response to your saying that he has the right to expect his love returned —no, he doesn’t. And I don’t have any right to expect mine returned either. Love, to be love, must be freely given. It is not a debt to be paid. On the contrary, that will very quickly kill whatever love that there is. When you expect your love to be returned, you are attempting to control the other person.

Waldemar used to do this with me. I called them love tests. He would get wounded if I didn’t bring him a glass of water because he had brought me water before that —silly little things like that. Of course I never passed his tests. I do tons of things for him (he is the best fed man you will ever meet); but I do them because I want to, not because he expects me to. There is a great difference between making a sacrifice for another person because it is what I want to do and making that sacrifice because it is my duty or because I am being manipulated and don’t wish to incur the anger or the pouting of the other person.

In short —though this letter is anything but short —the game, the manipulation, the controlling, the codependency (yes, and even the feelings of rejection) are for the most part a thing of the past. Waldemar and I are now enjoying a peaceful, harmonious relationship that we could never imagine during the first 35 years of our marriage. We practice boundaries almost every day, not only in our relationship with one another, but in all our relationships. ALL relationships are healthier when boundaries are in place.

The last thing I want to do is preach, but I can’t sign off without telling you that though I would have, no doubt, received some benefits from doing all that I’ve written about, I know that the overwhelming success comes from my getting into contact with the Christ that is within me (and within Waldemar and you and everybody else) and following the instructions coming from that still small voice. I never make a boundary or do anything else of importance without getting quiet and hearing that voice of the Christ within. Well, sometimes I do; and the results are never good. When I make any move based on fear, I regret it. But I don’t feel condemned because the Lord Jesus Christ within never condemns. No matter how bad I mess up, even if I’ve done it for 40 years, He always shows me the way to freedom.

It’s a wonderful life! In fact, nothing else is life. All else is just a cheap imitation.

And that is my desire for you —that you might experience the abundant life that Jesus came to give us. It’s free for the taking —no strings attached.

Sincerely,
Jackie Weber

I believe this concept of boundaries is very Scriptural because it is the only means by which we have the freedom to follow the leading of the Spirit when it interferes with the comfort of those we love. Of course we have to know that God is our all-sufficiency to risk the rejection we can receive when we implement boundaries. (See also Oneness vs Codependency.)

I do understand that launching this website and thereby risking the criticism and rejection of other Christians who do not agree with me could make the risk I took with my husband seem like a piece of cake. But here again I understand that although I cannot control my readers’ reactions, I can control how those reactions will affect me.

Because I believe that the Holy Spirit is leading me to write for this website, I am willing to do it —whatever the cost.

I am happy to hear from my readers, but —following Jesus’ example— I will not be entering into debates with them or defending myself in any way. Those are my boundaries. Anyone who doesn’t respond positively to what he is reading is free to stop reading. As I’ve said many times in these contemplations, each of us has to depend upon the Holy Spirit inside us to guide us, just as Jesus said He would. It’s all very simple, really. Let’s not make it more complex than it is, always desiring to experience the simplicity that is in Christ.