September 18, 2017
As I was complaining to a friend yesterday afternoon about my feelings of depression and despair because the truth that I believed has been revealed to me has not set me free from the mental torment that I’ve suffered from for a lifetime, she reminded me of all the positive things that have occurred in my life as a direct result of the truth that I’ve embraced. She was able to show me that my mental torment comes not from lack of fruit in my life but rather from my lack of appreciation for that fruit.
I’m beginning to see that I am one of those people who have the tendency to see the glass half empty rather than half full. Because I give 100% to whatever I’m doing, I want 100% return. Instead of being thankful for my many successes, I focus on what I know is available but haven’t yet experienced. This has caused me untold frustration in every area of my life—and from earliest childhood. I missed out on many experiences. If I couldn’t do something well, I wouldn’t do it at all.
My greatest strength has become my greatest weakness in this spiritual journey. I have, like Paul, counted everything as loss for the surpassing value of knowing God. Everything else—and I do mean everything—has become secondary. And I believe God has indeed revealed Himself to me as He said He would:
Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
Matthew 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
I believe God has revealed to me His nature—His love, goodness and mercy. I believe He has shown me that truly He has given to us all that He is and all that He has—that nothing of the Life that He is has been withheld from us.
I have truly experienced the activity of God in every area of my life, but of course I want to experience more. I want to see fulfilled in my life and in the lives of everyone all the promises of God which are “yea” and “Amen” in Christ (1Corinthians 1:20).
I have wanted that so much that I have allowed myself to become mentally tormented by what I’m NOT experiencing rather than recognizing, being thankful for, and enjoying what I am able to receive.
I just recently started a Bible study with three women who expressed an interest in hearing what God has revealed to me. I was telling my friend yesterday that I didn’t feel I could teach what I couldn’t live, that I couldn’t hope that what I was sharing would do for them what it couldn’t do for me. That was when God spoke to me through her as she pointed out to me what I couldn’t see for myself—that I am indeed “in part” (1Corinthians 13:9) experiencing life in the kingdom of heaven now (if I will but open my eyes and see it rather than focusing on the “part” I haven’t yet experienced), that I have been given an abundance of God’s grace which I must be willing to give to others:
Matthew 10:7 And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. 8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.
I am now thankful for everything that I have been given. And I will give whatever I receive to anyone who is open to receive from me.