Dauthor Jacqueline (Jackie) Richey Weber
There are two Greek words for “deny” in the New Testament.
720. ἀρνέομαι arneomai, ar-neh´-om-ahee; perhaps from 1 (as a negative particle) and the middle voice of 4483; to contradict, i.e. disavow, reject, abnegate: — deny, refuse.
and
533. ἀπαρνέομαι aparneomai, ap-ar-neh´-om-ahee; from 575 and 720; to deny utterly, i.e. disown, abstain: — deny.
Since I heard the word from the Lord that I should arrange my life so that I will be free to read, meditate and write (see Following Christ and Minimalism), I’ve had difficulty finding peace doing all the other “good” things which present themselves to me as a means of escaping the awesome responsibility I feel when writing what I believe are revelations from God. But last night before I could fall asleep, I once again committed myself to continue doing that which I feel called to do, relegating everything else in my life to a place of secondary importance.
This morning I was awakened by a dream in which I had made a u-turn in the middle of a two-lane road as I was driving. The driver immediately in front of me had made the same turn with no repercussions. There was a bus, not a police car, behind me. As soon as I made the turn, I stopped, as did the bus. The driver of the bus “arrested” me as if he were an officer of the law. I “explained” that I was from another state and that I saw the car in front of me do it. But inside I knew I was guilty, knew it even before I made the turn. It was at this time I woke up.
Because I was an English major in college, immersing myself in British history and literature, I’ve become something of an “Anglophile.” Living in England for two years (a fantasy of mine that came true) only enhanced my fascination with all things British. I’ve recently been re-watching “Downton Abbey,” “binge watching” really. The story began to occupy my thoughts and even my dream life. I awakened during the pre-dawn hours this morning feeling very anxious and unsettled. So I came into the living room and began to quieten myself inside to listen to the Holy Spirit—not exactly an easy skill to master but, arguably, the most valuable one; for inside is where God dwells (see “Where Is God?”) and therefore where we find answers, solutions and direction.
[May 6, 2015] I have been in hell, that place of torment, fear, depression and despair. I knew all the promises of God concerning the peace that passes all our understanding. But there was no peace. I became obsessed with my physical body and death. I could think of little else. Nothing could distract me from these fears—cooking, cleaning, exercise, listening to tapes, reading books, watching TV, traveling—nothing at all. I almost wished I would die, but I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of everything. I almost wished I would get Alzheimer’s so I could get some relief. My pills I got for what my doctor called an “anxiety disorder” would sometimes seem to work (if I was tired enough to go to sleep), but at other times it was like eating candy.
Several years ago I wrote and posted on my website a contemplation entitled God’s Call wherein I acknowledged that I was called by God to write and had committed myself to that call. In 2012-2013 I posted about 70 Contemplations and abruptly stopped posting anything. I didn’t stop writing altogether, but I reached the place where I believed that I had to spend my time and energy walking out what I had already written before I could legitimately post anything else.
What Is God’s call
or the calling of God
and how are we to respond?
Paul tells us that the gifts and calling of God are without repentance,
(Romans 11:29) that not many who are somebodies
in this world are called (1Corinthians 1:26) —or at least don’t recognize that they are called. Paul goes on to say that we are to abide in the same calling
wherein we were called (1Corinthians 7:20), that this calling is a holy calling
and was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began
and not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace
(2Timothy 1:9). And Peter admonishes us to give diligence
to make our calling
sure (2Peter 1:10).
When I took upon myself this form which we call Jackie,
my earthly father named this baby Dauthor Jacqueline Richey
–after a cousin of his by the name of Dauthor.
But I was never called by this name. After this cousin Dauthor
passed into the next dimension, I suppose I am the only person who bears this name. Very few people even know that I have it.