This morning I was awakened by a dream in which I had made a u-turn in the middle of a two-lane road as I was driving. The driver immediately in front of me had made the same turn with no repercussions. There was a bus, not a police car, behind me. As soon as I made the turn, I stopped, as did the bus. The driver of the bus “arrested” me as if he were an officer of the law. I “explained” that I was from another state and that I saw the car in front of me do it. But inside I knew I was guilty, knew it even before I made the turn. It was at this time I woke up.
My heart was pounding, not because I was caught and “sentenced,” but rather because of what this dream might say about me, what God might be attempting to get through to me. Was I “searing” my conscience? Was the contemplation Freed from the Conscience not inspired by the Holy Spirit? The “storm” I had just described yesterday in the contemplation Asleep in the Storm just kept escalating. I had spent time with my husband last night discussing all my doubts and fears about the website, telling him that even though I had felt, written and posted on the website what I believed to be God’s answers to those questions, all God’s assurances that I was hearing and being obedient by writing and posting what I was hearing, I was still behaving like Gideon, asking for yet another fleece to assure me that I was indeed hearing from God. This morning’s dream only added to my distress. I told my husband last night that I just felt paralyzed so that I couldn’t proceed with my writing and posting, but that I also felt like the man with the one talent who hid it in the ground because he was fearful of his master who had given it to him and instructed him to use it (Matthew 25:24-25). As I said to my husband, I felt “damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
As I lay there in bed attempting to listen to the Holy Spirit inside, I remembered the Scripture:
Galatians 3:10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them. 11 But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith. 12 And the law is not of faith: but, The man that doeth them shall live in them. 13 Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us:
This self-analysis that leads to paralysis is the curse of the law, the law from which I had thought I was free (see Freed from the Law). Although it is a good thing to take my “calling” seriously and never make the assumption that whatever I write is directly from the Spirit and beyond question (see Godly Fear), I will find myself under the curse if my primary aim is to get everything “right.” Although the law (the book of the law, the Bible) is “holy” (Romans 7:12) I cannot ever succeed in doing “all things that are written therein.” Like Paul tells me, the “letter” kills; it is only the Spirit that gives life (2Corinthians 3:6); even to attempt to live by the “rules” contained in the Bible places me under the curse—the self-analysis that leads to paralysis.
To continue to listen and write down what I believe the Spirit inside is instructing, I have to “live by faith,” the faith that Jesus was “made a curse” for me, thereby redeeming me from this curse that paralyzes me, the faith that when I ask my Father for the “bread” that comes down from heaven (John 6:50-58), He will not give me a stone (Luke 11:11), that when I ask for the wisdom to do what I feel God has called me to do, He will give it “liberally” if I cease my doubting and believe that He will (James 1:5-7).
This day I once again “choose life” (see Choose Life (Part 1) and Choose LIfe (Part 2)). I choose to believe that the Son has indeed set me “free” (John 6:36), free to listen to the Christ inside and obey what I hear without fear because He has “redeemed” me from the curse of having to do it perfectly. I take great comfort from Paul’s words:
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.