As I have already written in so many of these contemplations, I grew up in a very orthodox Church and family and took upon myself a concept of a God of wrath and judgment that struck terror in my soul. I spent over 50 years attempting to love this God and feel loved by Him. I didn’t dare question anything I had been taught because I was so frightened of being deceived.
When I could bear the pain no longer, I asked God to reveal Himself to me. I believe that He has and have recorded those revelations in these contemplations.
But I have continually been plagued by doubt and fear that perhaps what I was taught is indeed the truth and what I believe God has revealed to me is only what I wanted to hear to get some relief from my fears. My mind is always bombarded with thoughts about what I should or should not be doing to receive God’s favor, even though I believe He has revealed to me that I’ve always had His favor—that any perceived separation from His love is only in my mind.
I believe that what God has revealed to me about Himself and my relation to Him is Scripturally sound and that the Scriptures which appear to confirm the concept of God I was taught to believe in have been misinterpreted. But there is still the voice in my head (and also coming from many orthodox Christians, particularly family members) telling me that I have been deceived.
This continual battle inside my head has resulted in my becoming the embodiment of this Scripture:
James 1:6 . . . . For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 7 For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. 8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
This instability has caused me to question my mental health. Perhaps I am bi-polar. I do feel elated and energized when I believe I am in communion with my Father (the “true God” that Jesus prayed we would know—John 17:3) and He is revealing his unending love for me, and not only for me, but for all creation. I feel I am experiencing a peace that does indeed pass all understanding; and I feel inspired to write that which is being revealed to me.
Then comes in the “law God” of wrath and judgment accusing me “day and night.” The doubts and fears, the should’s and should not’s, begin; and I can feel myself right back in the same place I lived for so many decades.
This past week I believe God revealed to me that I am not bi-polar. I am either in the hell of human thinking (carnal mindedness) or in the kingdom of heaven that is within me and from where I receive spiritual revelation:
Romans 8:6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
I am either listening to the accuser who is the devil (the carnal mind of man), the “father of lies” who “never abode in the truth,” a “murderer from the beginning” (John 8:44) (who has indeed almost killed me—physically and mentally—with those lies) or I am:
Phillipians 2:5 Let[ting] this mind be in you [me], which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation
To be stable I have to understand and walk in my Christ identity (which is God) and allow this personality (humanity; ego that wants to be something) to die (be of no reputation)—as Paul did:
Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
That is the “rock,” the only rock, that will give me stability—the recognition that this humanity is not who I am. I am the one created in the beginning and given dominion over all the rest of creation, the one God pronounced “very good,” the Son of the living God, the one who was created perfect (or “upright”—Ecclesiastes 7:29) and has remained so, except in the carnal mind that believes I have been separated from my Father and must do something (follow some set of laws) to regain my Father’s favor—when, in truth, I just have to do what the prodigal did, return to my Father who is waiting with open arms. And then my prodigality is as if it never was—because it wasn’t—except in my mind.
This “rock” was revealed to Peter and must be revealed to all of us if we are to become stable. When Peter could look at the “Son of man” Jesus and recognize that it was the Christ that was living Jesus, Jesus renamed Simon; he was now Peter which means “rock.” Until I have the revelation that it is no longer I who live, but the Christ who is living me, I will attempt to gain God’s favor by doing or not doing whatever I believe He is demanding. That is “the curse of the law” that Jesus came to redeem us from (Galatians 3:10-13).
When I know that it is Christ in me doing the works, all my human efforts to do good cease, and I am able to enter God’s rest (Hebrews 4:10).
I must cease this “halting between two opinions” and respond to Elijah’s words, choosing this day whom I will follow: the wrathful, judgmental law-god “father” of the Pharisees whom Jesus called “the devil” (John 18:44) or the “true God” that Jesus revealed, the Father who Himself descended into this world in the form of Jesus not to condemn but to save (John 3:17) (see Elohim or Yahweh?).
1Kings 18:21 And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him.
Then I am in the position to live no longer under the law of performance but under grace, the grace where God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness, the grace that is sufficient to bring me out of this hell of instability (2Corinthians 12:9).