Obedience Is Better than Sacrifice

 

[May 6, 2015] I have been in hell, that place of torment, fear, depression and despair. I knew all the promises of God concerning the peace that passes all our understanding. But there was no peace. I became obsessed with my physical body and death. I could think of little else. Nothing could distract me from these fears—cooking, cleaning, exercise, listening to tapes, reading books, watching TV, traveling—nothing at all. I almost wished I would die, but I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of everything. I almost wished I would get Alzheimer’s so I could get some relief. My pills I got for what my doctor called an “anxiety disorder” would sometimes seem to work (if I was tired enough to go to sleep), but at other times it was like eating candy.

Of course I was constantly crying out to God for answers. How could I know the truth and yet not have it operating in my life? I was sure that I did know truth (or at least some truth), but whatever truth I knew was not setting me free. So I began to doubt that what I thought I knew was the truth.

Yesterday I went on a day trip to the coast. When we stopped at a museum, I pulled a very heavy door onto my big toe even as I was reading the sign on the door saying I should watch the bottom of the door. The pain was excruciating. At first I was sure that I had broken the toe. Then, upon realizing that I could move it, I was pretty sure it wasn’t broken but rather badly bruised. I wouldn’t take off the shoe, for fear I’d never get it back on—and I had a whole day to get through. I thought I would probably be unable to attend my session with my physical trainer this morning. (Update: my toe recuperated remarkably during the night and I was able to work out at the gym with no problem.)

On the way home on the bus, I managed to get quiet inside and really listen. I knew that I was never going to be able to figure anything out with my brain; my mind was but a “pit of noise” that continually increased my torment. As I sat there with my head on my husband’s shoulder, a peace stole over me and the still, small voice began to speak once again—the words I’ve been running from most of my life. “Are you now ready to forsake all and follow Me?” I knew God didn’t cause or allow me to hurt my toe to get my attention. That much truth I was certain of. I knew that in my place of torment I could look at that sign warning me about the door and not comprehend what I was reading because my mind couldn’t be still.

I have maintained that, like Paul, I want nothing except to know God. But am I, again like Paul, willing to count everything else as “dung”? Am I willing to forsake ALL and follow that voice inside which is my Father speaking to me? I’ve had little trouble forsaking fame and fortune. Possessions mean very little to me. I’ve even been willing to allow other Christians to think me an heretic when my whole world was comprised of other Christians.

But last night on that bus I had to face my reluctance to bring pain to my family—more than I’ve caused them already by not attending church and disagreeing with their theology. I’ve had this website since November, 2012, but I’ve never told those closest to me of its existence—although they could well know of it and never mention it to me—since we don’t talk about such things. I had to admit that I’ve been unwilling to use social media to take what I believe to be the true gospel into all the world for fear of the embarrassment it would bring to my siblings.

I also knew that I had been unwilling to face the criticism and condemnation (even from those outside my family) that so often comes when someone goes against what is currently accepted to be truth. I have always been very thin-skinned. As a child I would always cry and suffer terribly when criticized. I learned very early to keep the rules to avoid the displeasure of my parents. I became a people pleaser, anticipating people’s needs and taking responsibility for satisfying them, to avoid their disapproval. I was a “good” person. I was pretty much like Paul—”blameless according to the law.”

Yet I believe that is precisely what my Father inside is asking of me—to write down every revelation that He gives to me and to use every means available to take it into all the world—whatever the cost.

I have been asking why if I know (as I believe I do) what the kingdom of heaven is and where it is, why cannot I abide there as Jesus said I could? Why can’t I actually experience the righteousness, peace and joy which characterize that kingdom (Romans 14:17)?

I was reminded of many Scriptures which gave me my answer:

Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Of course this does not mean that I am to hate the members of my family (since I am to love even my enemies), but it does mean that I must trust my Father with their well-being as I follow Him, not concerning myself with what their response might be.

Many Scriptures about entering and living in the kingdom of heaven (and how that is so intimately connected to doing the will of the Father) were brought to my remembrance:

Matthew 7:21   Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

Luke 11:2 And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth.

John 5:30 I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.

We know that Jesus in His humanity didn’t find it easy to do His Father’s will—take that humanity to the death on the cross that the “devil” (which is our humanity that believes it is separated from the Father) might be destroyed. He wanted to preserve His humanity just as we do.

Hebrews 2:14   Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;

Jesus the man had to “learn” obedience the same way we do:

Hebrews 5:8 Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;

It wasn’t His Father that caused Jesus to suffer; it was His own humanity that didn’t want to die. But because He knew that the Christ (or Father) within would take the sin (humanity that believes it is separated from God) of all of us (of the whole world) also to the death, He chose not to ask His Father for legions of angels to save him (Matthew 26:53). No, He

Hebrews 12:2 . . . for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

—thereby becoming “the firstborn among many brethren” (Roman 8:29).

He thus became the means whereby His own prayer for us (that we would know that we were not separated from our Father but that we were rather one with Him) in John 17 was answered:

Hebrews 2:11 For both he that sanctifieth and they who are sanctified are all of one: for which cause he is not ashamed to call them brethren,  12 Saying, I will declare thy name unto my brethren, in the midst of the church [in the midst of us who are that church] will I sing praise unto thee.

The Hebrew man Jesus submitted to our Father’s will because it was the Father within (or the Christ, for they are one and the same) who was doing this work.

2Corinthians 5:19 . . . God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

I have known for many decades that it is my Father’s will for me to write, not for entertainment, but for instruction, as a means of getting that “word of reconciliation” to the world. The words my Father speaks to me are always seeking an outlet. I’ve thought, “This has to be what Paul was feeling”:

1Corinthians 9:16 For though I preach the gospel, I have nothing to glory of: for necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!

Then just as strongly would I feel my own insignificance. I would know as Jesus did that of mine own self I can do (or say) nothing (John 5:30). (see Godly Fear)

So often have I felt my Father speaking to me the words spoken to Jeremiah:

Jeremiah 1:4   Then the word of the Lord came unto me, saying,  5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.  6 Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child.  7 But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak.  8 Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord.  9 Then the Lord put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the Lord said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth.  10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.

So often have I also felt like Jeremiah carrying around the truths spoken to me by the Spirit inside. I’ve felt those truths “burning in my bones.”

Jeremiah 20:9 Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.

But because I was reading the Scriptures literally (as I had been taught) and because I thought my humanity (rather than the Christ) was my true identity, I couldn’t accept those words for myself; they could be meant only for someone special, not for the “wretched” person I knew myself to be.

Now that I know that the Scriptures are addressed not to my humanity (nor to Jeremiah’s) but rather to the Christ within who performs that which is given us to do (Job 23:14), I can accept these words for myself—one who is to communicate whatever is given to me by my Father inside. It won’t be me, but rather my Father who dwells within me, who is doing the work (John 14:10). I won’t be pulling down and destroying literal nations but rather be a vessel for accomplishing the words of Jesus:

Matthew 15:13 But he answered and said, Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up.

I will be “rooting up” all the false concepts of God and our relation to Him—rooting them out of the lives of anyone who has ears to hear what the Spirit is saying to the “church”—the “called out” ones who are seeking to know and obey the truth, whatever the cost.

Today I joined Facebook for one reason only—obedience to that still small voice inside telling me to use every means available to fulfill what the church world calls the “Great Commission”:

Mark 16:15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

I mustn’t any longer hide behind my fears and “sacrifices” (consideration for others) but must move forward with boldness, trusting that the One who has called me will also do whatever is necessary for me to answer that call (1Thessalonians 5:24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.) and care for those who may be disturbed by my obedience to that call.

1Samuel 15:22 And Samuel said, Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

When I look at all the trivia, the mass of information to be waded through on everyone’s Facebook page, I really fail to see how this can be an effective tool for taking the truth to the world, for being the “light of the world.” But I won’t any longer argue with that voice inside. I do know that it is the internet that disseminates information to the most people in the shortest amount of time.

I just heard from a friend in Ireland minutes after joining Facebook. Enough said.

September 15, 2015

It has been four months, and I still haven’t used social media to draw attention to this website. Nor have I posted this contemplation on the website. Did I not hear accurately, or am I still unwilling to count everything but “dung” to obey that still small voice inside?

November 17, 2016

It has now been over a year, and I still haven’t made use of social media or even posted this or any other contemplation, though I have continued to write them. I am presently recording most of them, getting them ready for posting. Most of them are dated and contain a record of the painful “uprooting” of all the plants my Father had not planted in me.

As you will read, it was incredibly difficult for me to come out from under the law and give over to our Father the responsibility for the physical well-being of my three siblings. For me, as for Abraham, it actually required moving away—a thousand miles away. It took this for me to leave the “law God” of condemnation, wrath and judgment and entrust myself to what Jesus called the “true God,” and Paul called “the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ”—the God from whose love I can never be separated, the God who “judgeth no man.”

But I soon discovered that the move itself, though necessary for me, could not bring to me the “righteousness, peace and joy” that comprise the kingdom of heaven. The problem was within me, not in my outside circumstances. I came to the place where the torment was so intense that I actually thought I was going to leave this realm, that my heart was going to fail me from the fear that I was experiencing (Luke 21:26). It was at this time I heard what I have recorded in the contemplation Powers and Principalities.

Receiving that revelation and responding to those words spoken to me by the Spirit has finally brought me freedom from a lifetime of fear. I now know that “I can [indeed] do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13), even subject myself and my writings to social media—if I can find someone to show me how to do that.

Now I want you to read A Prayer of Surrender.