Yesterday afternoon my best girlfriend and I of nearly 40 years had something of an “altercation” in which I responded out of my humanity and immediately regretted having said anything. I knew there was but one thing for me to do: get quiet inside and listen. I have long since learned (and written) that the Christ inside (which is my true identity) has a solution to any so-called “problem” that I can experience in my humanity. I understand that I in my humanity cannot rectify any condition that I have attracted to myself as a result of my fears, insecurities and false beliefs. I cannot blame another for what I myself create by living out of my human consciousness rather than out of my God consciousness (the “mind of Christ” that we all have (1Corinthians 2:16) but are often unaware of).
In the case at hand, I know that what I am experiencing has nothing at all to do with my friend; it is all about what is going on inside me as a consequence of whether I am living out of “this world” (what Jesus termed the “without”) or out of the “kingdom of heaven” (the “within” where the kingdom of God is located):
(Mark 4:11 And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables:
Luke 17:20 And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: 21 Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.)
I did get quiet inside and began to listen but still had no solution when I went to bed. For me, the solution often comes after the quietness of sleep. I awakened to the still small voice inside instructing me to get up and start writing, not really knowing what I was going to write but assured that, as promised, the words would be given me:
Psalms 81:10 . . . open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
I believe that the solution has to do with boundaries which are necessary for every successful relationship (see Boundaries and Oneness vs Codependency). My friend and I often talk about having the “freedom” to “be ourselves” and to “be open” with one another; but I realized that even that “freedom” must include the making of and respecting the boundaries each of us have in the relationship.
Most simply stated, to have boundaries means that I don’t attempt to control anything another person chooses to say or do, but I do control how I let their words and actions affect me.
Each of us must make our spiritual journey on our own.
Philippians 2:12 . . . work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
We can have the love and support of another, but no one else can ever make the journey for us.
I am realizing that both my friend and I have different ways of dealing with or working past our fears and insecurities and can therefore easily come into judgment of one another because our ways are extremely opposite. In looking at and dealing with any situation, I tend to be “black and white” to the extreme while she tends to be “gray.” Of course each of us thinks our way the best way—or we would choose another way. What I am now understanding is that there is no best way and that each of us (to have a satisfying relationship) must respect the way of the other and refrain from judging the other. As she so often reminds me, we are completely different expressions of the same Spirit, and that’s not a bad thing.
But, at the same time, we do have to have boundaries in place which guarantees that we can “work out our own salvation” in whatever way we are best able to do it.
I know that I am speaking in generalities and avoiding the specifics of our “altercation” because I don’t wish to be in a place of judgment or inflict any more hurt than I already have. Yet, for me, I have to see how every revelation has practical application or it is just a beautiful “theory” that doesn’t change the way I live my everyday life in the “righteousness, peace and joy” of which the kingdom of God consists.
I see that both my friend and I want desperately to know God and to walk in the peace that we know is already inside us. We’ve both experienced enough of that peace to know that it is indeed available and that it is our Father’s “good pleasure” to give it to us (Luke 12:32). And both of us believe that we must continue to “simplify” our spiritual lives and our everyday lives in order to live in “the simplicity that is in Christ” (2Corinthians 11:3) which enables us to live in that peace. But we have chosen different ways (probably each suited to the different expression of Christ that we are) to accomplish this. And our humanity wants to judge the other’s method—which can lead to judgment, hurt feelings, and even some degree of alienation if we don’t get quiet enough to listen and take whatever measures are revealed to us to keep this from happening.
To keep my mind quiet and free from distractions, I have chosen to do what I term “un-clutter” my life by drastically reducing the number of possessions and activities that I must be “encumbered” with. I have a lot of “alone” time and feel the need to get quiet often and for extended periods of time in order to listen, hear and write—as well as maintain satisfying relationships. My friend has also chosen to have a lot more “alone” time, but in two beautiful homes (in two different states very far apart) which I frequently visit and enjoy.
Our “clashes” and hurt feelings come because our boundaries are not well defined. We don’t know what is expected of each of us by the other. We don’t know when we are crossing boundaries that should not be crossed. She is constantly frustrated by what she sees as my “black and white” approach to everything while I am constantly frustrated by what I see as her “grayness.” I feel that she makes everything so much more complicated than it need be by always examining it from every angle and talking it to death.
She has made it clear on numerous occasions that I am on my own when visiting her. I can do whatever I want and she will help me but will not take any responsibility for me in any area. And she doesn’t want me taking any responsibility for her. She will come and go as she pleases, eat the foods she likes whenever she gets hungry. That is her boundary, and I can accept that. I know how to shop, cook meals for myself and my husband, wash my own clothes and clean up after myself. I am very happy to have a vacation where I don’t have to pay for my lodgings and where I don’t have to eat out every meal. And, most of all, I enjoy visiting my friend.
In actuality, neither of us respect that boundary. She feels responsible for me and I for her. She feels the need to help me physically when I’m visiting her while I feel the need not to stress her out emotionally. When she is at home and I go into the kitchen to prepare something, she is always there to help prepare the food and clean up the kitchen. She is continually trying to make sure I don’t feel that I have to eat what is in her refrigerator and freezer. She tells me repeatedly that she eats entirely differently from the way I do, that she never makes anything the same way twice, that I’m the only person in the world who can make as big a mess as she can in the kitchen, but that whatever I do is fine with her because she lives in the now and never knows what she is going to be doing the next hour, let alone the next day or week. That is how she “simplifies” her life.
I feel that whatever I do I am just adding to her frustration. I ask for pasta to go with some spaghetti sauce I found in the freezer. That seems very simple to me, but suddenly I am looking at multiple boxes of pasta with multiple ingredients and expiration dates and hearing explanations of how they all came to be in her cupboard. It was the same when I mentioned using some pesto from the freezer to put on the leftover pasta that I cooked. Now I’m feeling guilty for making her life more complicated, wishing that I had just gone into the cupboard and searched until I found something I could use. I’m not helping her simplify; I’m just complicating matters. I know she is trying to please me, trying to make my cooking and eating more enjoyable; but I feel if I weren’t in the picture, she would be leading a much calmer life.
Yesterday I made the big mistake of saying that I didn’t know if I could come to her place in December to meet a mutual friend of ours as we had planned because it would be even more complicated with three house guests. She heard that I didn’t believe she was emotionally and mentally capable of having us. She then informed me that there was indeed no way she could plan and execute meals for three house guests and even said that she didn’t care whether I came or not. We knew at this point we were both responding to one another out of our humanity; and we let the subject drop from our conversation, but not from our minds and hearts.
Now comes the hard question. How do we live out the words of Paul in our particular relationship?
2Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.
How can she live in peace around me as I work out my salvation, and how can I live in peace around her as she does the same? Going back to the subject of boundaries, how can both of us not attempt to control the other’s words and actions and yet control how those words and actions affect us? Does it mean we have to distance ourselves from one another geographically, or can we set and respect boundaries that will allow us to live together in harmony? I have succeeded in doing that with my husband. I can say to him, “You are free to say or do that all you want, but I am going to determine how that affects me.” When he makes a situation too complicated, I just remove myself from that situation while maintaining a good relationship with him. But I feel much more guarded with my friend. I feel I have to watch what I do and say so as not to cause her emotional stress.
Can I say to her, “Let it go” or TMI (too much information) when I feel that I can’t do this any longer if I am to guard my own heart and stay in peace?
(The day after) I stopped writing yesterday morning and spent the day attempting to listen. But I didn’t sleep well last night; nor did my friend. Are we going to attempt to talk this through or just know that we were “in the flesh” and drop it? We can each feel that the other is guarded or has walls of protection in place.
(The following day) Yesterday afternoon my friend had a phone call from one of her friends from whom she was considering buying a car. After the call she said to me, “I am totally exhausted. I just spent an hour or more listening to all the reasons she couldn’t give me an answer now. I know she is a strong woman, but all I could hear was her fears and insecurities. I don’t know that I want the car enough to go through this anymore.”
I immediately realized that she was describing what I had been feeling about her when we experienced the incident described above. Why couldn’t she see it? Should I re-open the subject that we both knew had not been resolved? I got quiet inside and believed that I should do precisely that if we were to go forward in our relationship. When I began to speak, she told me that she knew inside that I was feeling the same about her that she was feeling about her friend. The discussion which followed was painful for both of us and we didn’t get to where we wanted to be; but we each felt better for having the talk. We had an engagement last night, but she told me before we left that she did want to return to the subject at a later time. It was not mentioned again before we went to bed around 10 PM.
A little before 1 AM, I awakened thinking about it all and what I might say when the subject was re-opened. As in my mind I was examining it from every angle, I suddenly realized (from hearing the still small voice inside) that I was in my mind doing exactly what she was doing with her mouth. There was no difference. I am a walking embodiment of Jesus’ words:
Matthew 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
I can’t tell you how many times I have read from various authors that what we see and dislike in others is also in us; otherwise, we wouldn’t even be able to see it. The proverbial light bulb went on in my head. I began to think of various other Scriptures which were confirming what I was hearing.
I knew that everything I was hearing was about me and my consciousness and not about her at all. I knew the truth of what I’ve also read many times—that what I am looking at on the outside is my objectified consciousness. In other words, I am seeing only that which is in myself. If it is not in me, I cannot see it in another. To put it another way, I cannot experience outside myself anything that I’m not experiencing inside. I actually attract to myself everything that I experience. The only way to change my experience is to ascend into a higher consciousness (see Consciousness Manifested).
That’s why Jesus said: Mark 12:30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength:. . . 31. . . Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. . . . 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Both God and my “neighbor” (everyone—in this case, my friend) are myself; for we are all one—as Jesus prayed in John 17 that we would know. Whatever I think of my friend is what I think of myself—and vice versa—what I think of myself is what I think of her. I saw her analyzing everything to the point of mental and physical exhaustion because I was experiencing the same thing in myself—just in a different form.
Jesus also said:
Luke 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
Matthew 7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
When I judge and condemn my friend for whatever (even—to me—”justifiable”) reason, I am judging and condemning myself. I began to see how this was operating in all my other “human” relationships (persona relating to, responding to, and reacting to each other). I was judging and condemning another friend for being so negative and having a “poverty” mentality—two qualities which have always been evident in my “persona.” Mine don’t look the same as his, but there is no difference. I experience those qualities in him only because they are in me; likewise, I dislike them in him because I dislike them in myself.
I am like the woman caught in adultery. When she came to the Christ consciousness which said “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more,” she was able to cease accusing herself and then found that all her outside accusers had also disappeared. What a profound parable of all our lives if we could but hear it—or, as Jesus so often said, had the ears to hear:
Mark 7:16 If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.
The writer of Hebrews tells us:
Hebrews 4:15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
God Himself (in the form of Jesus) took upon Himself the ability to experience everything that we do in the “persona” that we take upon ourselves—”yet without sin.” He had a “carnal mind” that tempted Him, but He didn’t live out of that consciousness; He had the ears that could hear
John 5:30 I can of mine own self do nothing: as I HEAR, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.
John 8:26 I have many things to say and to judge of you: but he that sent me is true; and I speak to the world those things which I have HEARD of him.
He was therefore always able to return to the God consciousness. It was from that consciousness that He could heal the sick, raise the dead, and do all His “mighty works” (Matthew 11:21, 23; 13:54, 58).
The same is true for us. Like Jesus, we can of our own selves do nothing, but we can LISTEN and we can HEAR, seeking not our own will, but the will of our Father. We can ascend into the God consciousness (let the mind be in us that was also in Christ Jesus—(Philippians 2:5)) where we hear and speak (about ourselves and others) only what we hear our Father say.
Tonight I have heard my Father say that which I have just written and I have spoken it “to the world” by writing this contemplation and posting it. Since it is my Father who performs that which is given me to do (Job 23:14), I know I don’t have to “work” to experience what I have written. As I submit myself to the Spirit that I am in my true identity, I will just “stand still and see the salvation of the Lord” (Exodus 14:13; 2Chronicles 20:17).
It is now a year and eight months later. I didn’t speak “to the world” what I heard my Father say by posting the contemplation. But I did “stand still and see the salvation of the Lord” in my relationship to my friend. I have since moved back to the place where she spends six months of the year. I’m with her more than ever before, and we live in peace and harmony without even trying. We somehow sense one another’s “boundaries” as we have become more sensitive to the Holy Spirit speaking inside. We are now able to serve one another without taking responsibility for each other, either physically or emotionally. We don’t always agree with, but we have come to respect and avoid reacting to, the choices of the other. Galatians 2:20 (I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.) (probably both hers and my favorite Scripture) is becoming more operative in both our lives.